Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much we talk on the surface. I’ve been thinking about all the silly things I talk about with my friends, rather than the deep things. How can my words be so meaningless? Are they meaningless?
Writing on this blog has been amazing. I’ve loved sharing with others and ministering in a whole different way. But who am I on this blog? Do I sound like a distant person from a whole different world? Can people hear my voice or even relate? Do I share deep things?
I think I do share deep things, but I want to go deeper. I want to tell you my story, and heartache. It won’t be easy and I don’t remember everything, just pieces; but here it goes…
The earliest house I remember living in, was green. It was one story with wooden steps leading up to the front door. My little sister and I had a bright pink room in that house; Pepto Bismol Pink. I remember sitting at a little princess table in that kitchen and eating cereal with my sister. We would take forever just to eat, and complain when the cereal became soggy. I remember having little pink scooters that would zoom across the kitchen floor, us squealing and laughing all the while. My two older brothers had a room next to ours, and it was blue. Their floor would be scattered with Legos and the big red dog, Clifford, would sit placidly on their bottom bunk. My Mom would be doing many things; always cleaning something in the house, spending time with God, and bringing smiles to our faces. We played games with our Dad, and loved to steal his hats. Life wasn’t perfect but it was good. It was happy.
But my world quickly spiraled downwards. In an instant, pain struck my family. My Dad was leaving, leaving for good. I remember hearing that and thinking nothing of it; happily going back to watch my movie. How was a seven-year-old supposed to understand?
Over time I did understand. The image of a truck pulling out and my Dad sitting in the drivers seat, sticks in my mind, and I remember having that sinking feeling, that nothing was ever going to be the same. Part of my heart broke in that moment. From then on, things were complicated. Now we were on our own, and my Mom found herself taking care of four children by herself. No, that’s not true. We had God sticking close to our side, and loving friends and family. But even that, didn’t make the pain easier to bear.
At first we just went to my Dads house once a week, and then it turned into once a week and every other weekend. I can’t tell you how my heart felt at that time. I was confused, scared, utterly broken, and felt abandoned. My family was no longer whole; it was a vase shattered into millions of pieces. I remember a time when I had to go to his house and I refused. Tears ran down my face, and I sat on the ground in utter defiance, face red and arms crossed; I wasn’t going. I did get to stay home that day, but the heartache was awful. Sometimes all I could do at night was sob and sob for how broken I felt.
Everything wasn’t so dark and dreary though. My Mom was a lifeline in that time. Whenever we would go to my Dads house we would pack the “Mary Poppins” bag, and we would find surprises inside. Whether it be a stuffed animal or a toy, those surprises were special and cherished. And my Moms faith during the pain was amazing. It guided me and strengthened mine. She made God real to me, and He became my perfect father. I remember my Mom placing the verses Jeremiah 29: 11 high on a mantle.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)
That verse sung in the depths of my soul, I clung to it. And I did improve. I found my heart coming back together and my faith grew.
I do admit that I still had hard times, and I found myself sobbing, years later, when my Dad announced that he was getting married again. The desire I had tucked away in my heart of hearts, of a reunited family, had died.
Eventually, all of us kids stopped going to my Dad’s house at all. For me personally, I just didn’t want to go. Even when we went to my Dad’s, he hadn’t seemed “there” all the way or wholly committed. So yes, I didn’t want to be there.
Now, years later, I’m glad it happened. I’m glad I went through pain and hard times. You know why? Because now, I’m stronger and I have a relationship with God that is deeper than I can imagine. Through the pain, He was right beside me, holding my hand. I couldn’t ask for anything more. Right now, in 2018, I’m whole and happy. My Mom married this amazing man seven years ago and I couldn’t ask for a better Dad. I also received another two older brothers and I love it. At the present I still see my real Dad during holidays and birthdays and its okay. I’m okay. It’s bittersweet, but I love him and he’s still my Dad.
My scars still hurt sometimes, and I still find myself crying. But know that if you’re going through something hard, you’re not alone. You’re never alone. Someone in this world has gone through what you are going through. Someone has experienced what you are experiencing. You know something else? There is a God right at your doorstep asking you to let Him in. A God who loves you so much, that He let His Son, Jesus, die on the cross for you. You! I know that you might be afraid to let Him in. I know that you may have your doubts and anxieties; but it will be the best thing you do in your life. The best thing.
To tell you the truth I was afraid to write this post. I was afraid to share my heart and pain, but not anymore! I’m ready to share my struggles because I know that it will impact others. I know that it will impact you. I’m ready to share, because God calls me to.
So, I encourage you:
- What are you struggling with?
- What burdens your heart?
- Do you know that people have experienced those same burdens?
- Do you know that God is right here, ready to catch you?
Let this verse resonate in your heart, today.
“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.”
Psalm 139:1-4 (NIV)
God knows your heart and all the pain you hold inside. He even sees each tear that falls from your face. So, let him carry you. Let Him carry you through the hills and valleys, and the darkness of the night.
Your Best Friend stands right here, ready to help you. Are you willing to let Him?